Blog: Entire World Files Chapters 1-99 Bankruptcy

Editor's Note: This blog post originally appeared on nannygoatsinpanties.com, a humor blog by Margaret Andrews.

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In an unprecedented move Thursday, virtually every country will file for bankruptcy.

“I say just walk away from it all. Start over,” said World Congressman Wee. R. Greedy.

Officials have long argued that governments should be run like a household.

“We try to maintain our integrity by identifying with the average Joe,” claims World Congresswoman I. M. Clueless.

“And right now, when the average Joe is up to their eyeballs in debt, they foreclose and file for bankruptcy. We don’t expect individuals to take responsibility for their own personal debt crises these days and really, why should we?”

“We just want to do what’s right,” said some congressman in such a low voice as he darted into the bathroom like a hummingbird, we’re not even sure that’s what he said.

The World Congress is on vacation right now and can’t be bothered with such trivialities but when they take their own sweet time coming back to work, they are expected to vote with an alarming majority to approve the first-ever planetary default.

World Default Committee Chairperson Blanche L’Idiot, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated that if the World defaulted on all of its loans as a whole, then the economy would recover overnight.

“Nobody would owe anything to anybody any more and there would be no debt,” bellowed L’Idiot, stuffing three Twinkies in her maw as she spoke. “Everybody’s filing for bankruptcy these days. It’s our turn now. Plus, who needs the credit rating anyway? We’ll just pay cash for everything from now on. If we can’t afford it, we don’t buy it. Simple as that.” Then she farted. It was kind of gross.

Not everyone is pleased with the plan.

Representatives from Elephanesia are stomping their feet at the notion of a worldwide default as half of their country is severely invested in all the outstanding loans. A bankruptcy filing would cut into their profits.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the pond in Donkenesia, members of that community can’t wait for a default so they can start spending money again. Going so long without niceties has made them crabby.

So how long will it be before the countries can start racking up their debt again after bankruptcy?

“Well, it’s too early to tell,” said Wendall Upton Ohgood of Wall Street firm, Margins Are Us and also speaking on the condition of anonymity. “But I can tell you this. I wouldn’t want to be in there when they hammer out the details and figure out exactly which of the 99 chapters to file under. There will be hair and eyeballs all over the floor.”

The whole notion of such a drastic measure came early in petty fighting negotiations when World Congress members stubbornly held fast to their own ideologies about debt reduction. 

That’s when Congressman Peter M. Bezzeled, motivated by the desire to skip out early and return to his vacation in the South of Antartica, suddenly had a cunning plan.

“It was like a light bulb went off over my head. I thought, ‘Screw raising the ceiling. I say we blow the roof off this thing’. And the next thing you know, I’m back on a plane to Penguin City. My own tax-payer-provided private plane, of course.”

And then there is the question of what impact this will have on the rest of the Universe.

Solarian Prince DK^#)WEO&^Ejsd*%$7  of the 4th Quadrant of Galaxy 246A issued the following late-breaking press release five minutes ago:

We saw this one coming from eons away as we live in the future and travel through worm holes, something you silly Earthlings have yet to discover (and you’ll just kick yourselves when you find out how easy it is). Anyway, your financial demise was no surprise to us. It was like watching a slow train wreck.

Also? You haven’t seen anything yet. Wait ’til 2012.

The Emperor of the Universe could not be reached for comment.